PIG OUT DAY

If you have ever had a “Pig Out Day”, you will “get” my story today. If you however are one of those naturally thin people who have never had a weight problem, you just might not get my addiction to the call of food. However, both will find something to identify with in the following “Pig Out Tale.”

Ever have a day where your good healthy eating goes right out the window and you just plain “pig out?” Even the best laid plans can go away when faced with delicious foods staring in your face and tenderly calling your name.

I had just such a day. I had done so well all week, as a matter of fact, for several weeks. The weight is slowly coming off and I am feeling good. I am doing the Weight Watchers Plan where you are allotted a certain amount of points and given an extra 35a week, plus as a bonus, when you exercise you also gain extra spending points to use.

I rarely use any of the extra points, once in awhile I may dip into the 35 extra using maybe 5 or so. Most weeks they are left untouched, like a security blanket just in case I need them. I love walking and adding extra points each week, but never touch them.

Yesterday however almost did me in. I went to my grandson Logan’s fifth birthday party. I even prepared by bringing my own wheat bun and rice cake chips, grapes and water. I enjoyed the family gathered around and loved watching Logan’s face light up with the friends and family to celebrate his day. It was a beautiful day, hot but breezy and of course I loved it all.

The scent of hamburgers and hot dogs grilled by my son in law Aaron drifting to my very hungry nose. I even waited while everyone else got the first burgers off the grill before I made my own. I nibbled on rice cakes and watermelon while waiting for round two of burgers to come off the grill. The taste was well worth waiting for and I ate the burger heartedly. However, I found myself still hungry and grabbed another. I knew it was okay, I had a budget of points left plus 46 extra stored away.
Then the cake was cut.

Chocolate cake I must add. Chocolate started whispering in my ear, taunting me, teasing me, lying to me that “it would be okay, eat me, eat me, you know you want to eat me.” So I accepted a small piece and okay, give me the ice cream too. Butter cream icing slid between my lips and teased my tongue, chocolate crumbs slid down my sugar deprived throat and the ice cream topped it off by cooling my mouth. Sugar!

I had not had real live sugar like this in over six weeks. I savored each bite and should have stopped. I really was over sugared about half way through the cake, but I kept going. I ate the whole thing and all the ice cream. My lips and tongue were colored blue by the frosting as I licked the residue off.I was drunk by the sugar and my head started feeling light headed and I became slightly dizzy by the affects.

I waddled slowly to the trash can and threw the plate away, as I did, I could feel the fullness explode inside me and bloat my stomach. It was not a pretty feeling, as a matter of fact, it was quite ugly. I was not only too full, I was past full, to the point of exploding. My head felt dizzy, my stomach unsure of what to do with all this food I poured down me and nausea overwhelmed me.

Suddenly in the memory banks of my mind, I recalled how weeks before I would feel like this on a daily basis. I am sure if you have ever pigged out, you know the feeling. It is uncomfortable.

To make matters worse, it set me on a binge. After all, I had already treaded on very treacherous grounds and why not finish the day off with more of the same. I ignored the nausea, ignored the “fat feeling” the bloated stomach, the warning signals that were like flashing lights all around me and I kept eating once home. I filled up on dinner, my plate over full. Then Mark went to bed and I sat alone downloading pictures from the day.

I have lost a total of 23 pounds in six weeks and shed several inches, my clothes are fitting so much better and I am fitting into items in my closet that have not been worn in over a year. Yet looking at pictures of myself taken at the party, I still saw an overweight and aging self. All the hard work I had done in the last few weeks felt like nothing as I viewed a still fat face, thighs, hips and upper body. The shirt I was happy I could wear to the picnic suddenly showed me just how much more weight I had to lose.

I was humbled. Humbled by the fact I felt like a failure. Humbled by the idea I thought I was thin. It all crashed in on me as I stared at the very unflattering, thank you husband, photo of myself and I did what I had always done in the past. I pigged out more! Why not? I stuffed down this disappointment with comfort food telling myself I still had extra points to spare, use them and use them all! And I almost did.

If you have been where I am, you can relate. You know the feelings of defeat, you know the call of food and the whisper in your head teasing you, taunting you, telling you to go, go, go to the cabinet and get the food you know you want. The voices like the high school bully, like that person in your life that is toxic and telling you all the bad things about yourself and starts the choir going and you wave the thin flag and surrender. You drown yourself in foods you have been limiting and get drunk on the taste. That’s what happened to me yesterday. It is pure seduction.

Okay, confession is over. I did it and I am not hiding it. Here I am blogging about a most embarrassing instance in my life. I have put it out there just as I put the self description of my “fat” out there. I confess. I confess I am not perfect, nor am I thin. I make mistakes, I gave in and I am not perfect. I didn’t just test the waters, but dived in over my head and drowned in food.

Now what? You may be thinking; if anyone is even reading me, what will she do now? I sound pathetic, I know. Well, I am back on the healthy trail. I stuck it out today until I was really hungry for food. I didn’t put anything in my mouth until I got a signal from my body, something I would never have done in the past. I am learning, I am growing in understanding and I am shrinking in size. Even though that photo told me I still had a long way to go, I know the way.

I am back on track. In fact I just had a lovely breakfast on the deck and treated myself to something different than my normal yogurt and apple. I ate a beautiful meal and did so on my deck. The birds sang to me, the sun kissed me and the trees nodded their leafy heads in approval. I learned that all that eating doesn’t make me feel good at all. Stuffing my face and stomach overly on sugary treats and too much good food made me feel sluggish and fat.

Eating what I need and when I need it is what I want for myself now. Although the new picture of me showed I still had a long way to go, it also showed me how far I have come in the last several weeks. I no longer have The Three Little Pigs chinny chin chins, but I am starting to see a slimmer face that is a resemblance of the other me I have hidden away under pounds and pounds. I am out of hiding and warning everyone I will not go down without a fight.

I am not perfect, nor will I ever be. I am who I am and walking a new journey in my life. I can’t wait to see how it all turns out.

Teresa Gale

Watch for next installment: One Step Further